The Pain That Lavi Endures
by 6275mystic
Summary: "Didn't you hear what I said, get away from me!" he shook his arm out of my grasp, "It's inhuman to love a man when you're one yourself.  Don't talk to me; I don't want to see your disgusting face again." With that he stalked off and left Lavi alone.
1. Chapter 1

The pain cuts at him like a knife. He can barely walk; barely breathe as he goes through the halls of the order. Opening the door and then toppling onto his bed he cries out into the night. The pain was because of Kanda and the hurt was because he said what he should have kept to himself. The self loathing was inevitable and he knew it from the beginning but his heart had been the one speaking and chose the wrong to person to open itself up to.

*Flashback*

"_Kanda! Wait up I want to talk to you." Lavi shouted as Kanda continued on his journey to his bedroom._

"_What do you want?" he said in a bored tone that made Lavi's heart beat faster. _

"_I really don't know how to begin, I should probably just come right out and say it, but then that would possibly ruin everything…" Lavi began rambling on about something and Kanda was getting irritated._

"_Baka Usagi! Just say what you came to say!"_

_He looked uncertainly straight into the samurai's eyes, "Kanda, I'm in love with you…" there was hope in his gaze that was dashed at the next comment that was made._

"_Get away from me." Kanda said in a quiet yet threatening voice. He turned to go and I grabbed him arm._

"_But-"_

"_Didn't you hear what I said, get away from me!" he shook his arm out of my grasp, "It's inhuman to love a man when you're one yourself. Don't talk to me; I don't want to see your disgusting face again." With that he stalked off and left Lavi alone._

*End Flashback*

Weeks later and Lavi is less than he was before. His clothes were falling off him because of the lack of food. He winces but does not cry out as he slices the knife across his forearm for the third time this week. He has become numb to the pain, just like he became numb to _him._ Lavi doesn't see him, doesn't hear him, and will never talk to him, ever.

He walks done to the cafeteria and sees a man sitting with long black hair. He turns, so he doesn't have to see the person that made him die inside, to leave again. This is the fourth time this week Lavi has left the cafeteria because this man was still there. Always haunting and never even saying anything. Lavi loved him still.

"Wait, Lavi!" Allen runs up to him. No one notices Kanda's head turning slightly at the name. "You have to eat something. Please let me get some food for you and we can talk."

"Okay," he says in a small voice. Kanda's heart nearly breaks when hearing it. He didn't know the pain he had caused; he didn't realize that Lavi was so fragile; he didn't know how much he really cared for Lavi. His words had hurt Lavi and now he was broken and needed fixing.

He couldn't do anything for him though. He might hurt Lavi worse than he already has. He wished he could take it all back but nothing would take away the pain he had…nothing…


	2. Lavi's POV

_Lavi's POV_

Allen took me back to his room and comforted me while I told him what had been happening for the past weeks. He brought me into a hug as I began to cry. I was better than this why did I fall so hard for a person that barely noticed my existence. I was still stuck in pit of my own despair, even though Allen was here he couldn't pull me out.

"He took my heart and just crushed," I said as the tears streamed down my face. "Why? He didn't have to – to…" _What did he do? He told me he didn't feel anything for me and when I pushed the matter he reacted as any person would._

"I'm so sorry Lavi. Please don't cry anymore. I don't want you to harm yourself anymore either and not eating is out of the question. Tell me what you need and I'll do it, just make sure your safe. Please Lavi you're my best friend, I want you to be happy." He gave me a small smile as I promised not to harm myself any longer. We sat there for a while just thinking about what we were going to do. I definitely was not going to talk to Kanda again. I didn't even want to think about the last time I did.

It was starting to get dark and I could tell Allen was getting tired. He would bow his head like he was falling asleep then wake up with a jerk.

"I'll leave now Allen. You look like you need some rest." I smiled and said goodnight though I dreaded to be alone in my room again but I couldn't stay with Allen. He has been really nice to me and I need to give him his own time.

"Goodnight, Lavi. Stay safe" he smiled and closed the door.

Walking down the hallway was dark and lonely. I didn't want to be with anyone but I didn't want to be by myself either. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't even notice a cloaked figure until I ran into it. With an 'ugh' I fell to the floor.

"Baka usagi watch where you're going." terror filled my entire being as I recognized the voice that came from the hooded man…. Kanda…


	3. Kanda's POV

_Kanda's POV_

I turned around and made myself scowl at the scared person who just ran into me. I saw him cowering in fear, he looked so helpless. The light in his eyes had gone away, his masculine figure was now more feminine, and there were the tear streaks that never seemed to fade from his face.

Then a revelation hit me: I had done this to him. My stomach dropped and I fell to my knees. I looked up only to see something more horrifying come into play, on his wrists were slashes and I couldn't help the tears that feel from my face.

All I could think was, _Had I really done this? Why didn't I just say that I loved him too? Am I that much if a coward? _

My thoughts were interrupted by one question, "Why are _you_ crying?" in that very moment I thought of everything and everyone I could go on with or without and Lavi was one of those people I couldn't live without. He was my sun, my usagi, my… love. I would rather spend a day in hell than a lifetime without him. So I answered his question.

"I'm crying because…." I looked him straight in the eyes, "because I did this to you. I made you hurt and cry and be in pain. I knew that you would be sad but this," I grabbed his arm, "this is what makes me cry. that I made you hurt yourself and didn't even realize that what I said would amount to something so awe full.

"I didn't want you to love me because I don't deserve to be loved by someone like you. The only problem is that I love you too. I spent all this time thinking of you and wondering what you thought of me and when you finally tell me I push you away. I was too afraid to admit that I loved another man. Not just any other man, I love _you_ Lavi." My mind was reeling and I couldn't stop talking. "All I've wanted to do since I said what I did was take it back. I've wanted to comfort you, hold you, and make everything okay again bring back to the light that used to be in your beautiful eyes. But I can't and that's why I'm crying. Why I'm weeping. Because you are the only thing that really meant anything to me and I pushed you so far away that it hurts."

That was when he looked at me and said, "Then why did you say it? What was the point of putting yourself in harm's way than just accepting my love. you said that I was disgusting and pretty much tore my heart and ripped it to shreds right in front of my face. All I wanted was to be accepted by someone finally. Someone who didn't just accept me as a friend but as someone who could hold and love me at the same time." He looked like he was about to cry. "I wanted you of all people Kanda. _You _even after all the crap that you've done to me, said to me, I still loved you. then you shove it my face. Kanda, you made me want to forget everything and I've never wanted that before.

"then you want to just get me back. you think that by saying all those things you would get me back in an instant. You think that because I loved you so much before I would be a fool not to accept your offer to just fall into your arms." He had finished his rant but there was so much more he wanted to say and I could tell.

"I don't think that, Lavi," there was spark of some sort in his eyes, "I didn't think you would just come back to me even with my confession of love. if you don't want me anymore I understand. I love you enough to let you go, if that's what you want, if it's what you need then I'll go." With that I left. Not knowing whether he was going to take me back after such an ass I was to him. I left him standing crying in a hallway, again.


	4. ReUnion?

_**A/N: k so I was thinkin bout writing a little differently and realized that maybe they would be super sappy together instead of the love/hate fest that most people have. So lots of OOC-ness and really sappy Kanda…**_

Lavi was walking down the hall this morning towards the cafeteria. It was breakfast soon and he couldn't help but get lost in his own thoughts going along the dreary corridor.

Why did it have to end up like this? Every time I try to just stay out of people's way they end up finding me. I'm not even supposed to feel anything for anyone. Not even Allen, but I do and that's the hardest part. The worst part is that I care more for Kanda that I do for Allen. I love Kanda and I want to be with him, but I don't know if I can trust him. Ugh…why do I have to be so indecisive?

He admitted his love to me why not just try it out. I mean it can't feel worse that I already do. He gave me time to figure things out and I think I have it. But how should I tell him other than just going up to him and saying 'hey I'd like to accept your love would you be mine.' That sounds so girly, but maybe that's what he wants. I don't know I've never done anything like this before….

He reached the cafeteria and walked through the black double doors. There, sitting at a table alone, was Kanda. As usual he was eating soba and not caring what anybody thought of him. But there was something different about his aura today; he was tense? uncertain? troubled?

Lavi got his food and decided to sit by him. He ordered a plate of whatever food he didn't need and went to sit by the samurai. When Lavi sat beside him Kanda had a look of shock but hid it quickly waiting for Lavi to say the first words.

"You know it probly took 'bout all night to figure out what I was going to say to you without sounding like the lovesick puppy that I am. It seemed so crazy that you actually returned my feelings after what you said," Kanda visibly tensed and Lavi put a reassuring hand on his back. "But then I thought what the hell? He says that he loves me and why not see if it really is true?"

Kanda looked at Lavi with pain in his eyes. This uncertainty was wrong. _He shouldn't have to feel like that, I need him to know what I said really is true._ "Everything, Lavi, everything I said, about loving you, is absolutely what I feel. I want you to believe that. What I said before it….it was a mistake and I never meant to hurt you. I thought to myself, before you came, about what I was going to do if you said no or something like I did –"

"Stop. Kanda, two people who love each other don't make the same mistake. Please, I just want to be loved by Yuu." Kanda's heart beat a little faster at his name being said by Lavi. The young bookman looked into Kanda's eyes and was overwhelmed by the amount of passion that he found there. Kanda reached up to Lavi's face rested an unsure hand on his cheek. When Lavi leaned into it he became bolder so he reached around and pulled Lavi closer yearning to feel the heat of the smaller one's body against him.

Lavi gasped as he was brought nearer to his love. He gazed directly into the samurai's eyes and hoped he communicated what he wanted. Not noticing that the Japanese man was already moving down. He captured Lavi's mouth, bringing them flush against each other. They didn't notice that the cafeteria was slowly filling up during their conversation. Allen, who was always running bit late for something or other came in and saw the two kissing.


	5. Confusion

_Lavi's POV_

I never wanted this moment to end. This feeling of floating on air and having the same amount of passion returned to me was amazing. I couldn't think straight everything was sort of fuzzy. All I could feel was Kanda's tongue running up and down mine while I tried to respond to what he was doing. Then a horrifying realization came upon me. I slowly opened my eyes to see that the dining hall had slowly but surely filled. I closed them quickly not wanting this moment to end, this perfect, wonderful moment.

Sadly I was yanked from Kanda, by a bean sprout. _Right on time…_ I frowned at my misfortune as I was dragged away from the person I most wanted to be with.

"How the hell could you do that to yourself?" Allen yelled at me, "Do you realize how worried we've all been? How worried I've been just taking care of you for a few days? I knew that you loved him Lavi but still to go back as soon as that." He was pacing and I could see pain in his expression. He turned to face me and his eyes showed more, something I couldn't place at the moment. I brushed it aside and focused on the problem at hand.

"Allen," I said in a soothing voice trying to get him to calm down, "I understand how you must feel. But I was torn apart for weeks after he rejected me. You know this and you were there to help me through. You have to know that he said he loved me and what he did was wrong. I'm not saying that I'm going to fall back into his arms and say that everything's okay, because it's not. He has to prove that he is worthy and if he screws up this is his chance." He looked at me with sad but understanding eyes. There was still that something in the background that I couldn't place and he wasn't doing anything to help make it more placeable.

He sighed, "I just don't… I don't want you to get hurt like that ever again. There are some things that are harder to take than what happened before. I…I–"

"You don't have to say any more. I don't exactly know what I'm doing right now but I'll figure it out. Don't worry about me so much. The last time… it was more shock that drove me into a pit of despair. I still love him." there was more pain and anger in Allen's eyes, he masked it quickly, which confused me even more. "We should get back to the cafeteria before it closes. K?"

He shrugged and followed me back down the hallway. Allen went to grab some food as I sat back down next to Kanda. He looked up and asked what that was all about.

"Just a friend who's worried about me." I gave him small smile and went back to eating. I was still confused about his looks. There was always more in his gaze and I couldn't recognize it. I wish I knew.


	6. What was That?

_Kanda's POV_

I have only felt like this one other time in my life. When I fight Akuma. I know that's an odd representation of such euphoria, but that's how I feel. Lavi's barely made a move. It didn't matter because at least he was responding if only with the smallest movements. I will prove my love to him even though I'm not even close to being worthy of his love.

I ran my tongue up and down his. Exploring his mouth, memorizing what I could, as though it would be my last time to kiss him. Then it was over and Lavi was shouting. I was just disappointed that my usagi's heat was next to me anymore.

_Damn that moyashi! Can't he butt out for just one second? _ I looked back and watched Lavi be dragged out of the Cafeteria. Before they exited Allen turned, I saw something in his eyes that I would never have thought possible. Yes there was anger and territoriality….but there was that small hint of…_ No he can't be…. But all those times that he helped Lavi…Was that just so Lavi will…? No I __must __be seeing things. He's not and I'm crazy, if he is then I'm in deep shit._

_I hope they come back soon. I have so much to say to Lavi. There's so many things that I haven't been able to do with him and little time before the next mission. My usagi, my love, my Lavi…I will never betray you again._

He came back with a thoughtful expression on. "What was all that about?"

"It nothing, he was just worried about me." He gave me a small smile and returned to thinking about whatever he was before. I've never seen him more confused. I mean he's a bookman so isn't he supposed to figure things out fairly quickly? I was still confused to; Allen's look was unnerving, especially when I'm on rocky ground.


	7. Explosion

**A/N: so this will be a little weird since this is a KandaxLavi story but this chapter will be from Allen's POV. Oddly enough I thought Allen would be the main character in this one but changed it to Lavi… oh well here's the chapter…**

_Allen's POV_

Everything's been going fairly smoothly for the past couple of days. Kanda's hands have been constantly groping my Lavi. This irritates me more than anything. I was there for him when Kanda was cruel and judgmental. Why does he still run back to him? Why can't he be with me? Doesn't he know how much I care for him? If he's been waiting so long for someone to be more than a friend towards him why his sights are only set on Kanda? I hate it.

I have loved him since we spent our first day together. His personality, fake or not, was what attracted me. His personality was as fiery as his hair. I saw him for who he actually was and accepted him since the beginning and yet when Kanda says he accepts him Lavi goes straight back to that bastard.

"Allen….Hello, Allen!" Lavi's waving his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention. Not to my surprise Kanda's with him and my hatred for him raises more.

"Yes Lavi?" My voice is sickly sweet. I smile at him trying to mask my pain.

"I just wanted to know if you'd like to go into town with us. Kanda needs to get something and since it's your birthday soon I thought I'd treat you to whatever you want." He gives me his goofy grin and I can't help but say yes. Kanda rolls his eyes and pulls Lavi towards the elevator. Before we even leave the building I wonder why I said yes to this stupid trip. Whether or not it's with Lavi I don't want to spend time with Kanda.

I almost snarl at him as he holds the door for Lavi to walk into the first store we see. I just wish he'd leave already so I can spend some time with Lavi. Kanda finally tells Lavi that he has to find something to upgrade his sword with or whatever and I'm elated that he finally leaves. We search around the shop for about an hour talking about the random events that have happened in the past week. Like Komui building a new Sir Komlin, Lenalee finally getting a boyfriend and (to my disappointment) the progress of Kanda and his relationship.

"It's amazing how much he's opened up to me. He tells me so much, though a lot of it is the stuff I already know about but I don't mind listening again. I wish he would tell me about his past it seems so exciting. The way he gets all misty eyed when I ask him about it just makes me want to know even more." Now Lavi was misty eyed just talking about it. It makes me sick to my stomach. He keeps rambling on and on about how great he and Kanda have it and I can't take it anymore.

"ENOUGH!" I scream, while covering my ears. Lavi stares at me in shock. People in the store turn to see the commotion but I barely notice. "I am _so_ sick of you talking about Kanda like he never did anything to hurt you. Yes I wanted you to get over what he said because it was hurting you, but I didn't want you to go running straight back to him after he says he loves you." Lavi opened his mouth to say something but I gave him a death glare. "Oh, I know you say that you're not just falling back into his arms but you _are._ There's a difference between being with someone and _being with someone_. You guys are never apart and this is the first time I've seen him leave your side in the past week. It hurts me so much and that you can't see that hurts me even more. I know that you will never be part of my life in the way I want you to be and I'm sick and tired of pretending that everything's okay when it's not!"

With that I stormed out of the store. Lavi called my name and chased after me but I didn't stop for him. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. Away from him, away from Kanda, away from everything I did and said to screw everything up.


	8. Figurine

_Lavi's POV_

I watched as my best friend ran out of the store. "Allen, wait! We need to talk about this." But no matter what I said he wouldn't turn around. He was a lot faster than me even though I was taller. When he was finally out of my sight and I realized what he had said to me.

I can't believe he really feels that way about me. I guess he was lot nicer than most people in the Organization but I thought that was just his personality. He would always help me with my sparring and try to help with research whenever Bookman assigned me to another tedious task. Never once did I think he had an ulterior motive, though he was being selfless the entire time. He just wanted my attention, my care, my love. And I couldn't see that until he finally broke.

Why do I have to be so ignorant of people's true feelings for me? While I was…"sick"…he helped me constantly getting food and keeping me away from Kanda. I love Allen but only as a brother. Maybe if I had just rejected Kanda after he said he was sorry, then I would have fallen for him eventually but I still love Kanda too much.

"Where'd the bean sprout go?" Kanda finally caught up to me.

"He had to leave," I replied. "Komui had an urgent message for him."

He looked at me, "Did something happen between you two?" Concern was evident in his voice but I couldn't tell Kanda that my best friend was in love with me.

"No, everything's fine, really. I still need to find a present for Allen. Would you mind helping me pick it out?" Though Kanda and Allen don't really agree with each other all the time the swordsman agreed to find a present for my friend.

We came upon a shop that sold figurine. From what Allen and told me about his past I remember him saying that his guardian…Mana was a clown. I held up two very similar figurines and asked Kanda if he knew which one he would like better.

"How should I know, usagi? He's your friend, most of the time I'm only around him 'cause you think we should get to know each other better." He frowned as he looked at the small carvings.

"Well you could at least give me some insight to what he doesn't like." I said with a pout, my bottom lip jutting out slightly. Kanda looked up from what he was doing and walked over, leaning down to kiss he said. "You really are adorable." He bit my lip softly and I gasped, letting his tongue enter my mouth. Encircling my own he started toying in my mouth.

I pulled back blushing and whispered, "Stop, Kanda this is a public place. It's not proper to do this out in the open."

He smirked at me, "Of course but it is a huge turn on." He laughed at the face I made.

I went back to looking at the two choices in front of me. "I think he'll like this one the best. It reminds me of the picture on his wall." I went to the cashier and paid for the tiny figure.

On the way back to headquarters I turned it carefully in my hands. Thinking of Allen and how everything might just go wrong. Now I can see what Bookman was telling me about; that feelings get in the ways and hurt people that would have never been hurt if you hadn't cared. Then I thought of all my friends and realized that I probably wouldn't be here without them caring for me. Everything was so confusing, I had the intellect but still couldn't put it together. Kanda sat across from me the entire time with a questioning look on his face.

**Yay! I'm done with this chapter! I hope to get the next one in soon but until then byes! Oh, and please review, I need your inspiration…. :)**


	9. His Worry, His Death

_Lavi's POV_

I searched everywhere after I got off the boat. I burst into his dorm hoping that I could talk to him but he wasn't there. The cafeteria was empty and so was the library. I talked to Komui about it but he just said not to worry, that Allen would show up when he was ready. This hurt me more than I let on. I just let Kanda see the bright side of me for the next few days while I searched for him.

_I never really felt like my relationship with Allen was anything more than friendly. But the way he looked at me before he left, like his heart had been shattered into a thousand pieces, made me feel like…like everything that had ever happened to him was my fault. Even though it wasn't, I felt like it was. His eyes had tears in them but he didn't let them fall, for he was like that. But I wanted them to fall to show me how much he really cared for me. I hate myself for that and letting it go farther than necessary. He loves me but I can't love him._

Kanda put his arm through mine and brought me out of my thoughts, "Stop worrying about him." he stated firmly, "Moyashi is tough I'm sure he'll be fine. Plus he can't go anywhere except here. He's told you more than enough times that headquarters is his only home."

"That's not the problem. I worry for him because this is his only home and if he wants to get away so badly then he can't just run to his parents. He might still be out there and not safe inside of headquarters."

OxOxOxOxOxO

It was a week and a half later and Allen still hadn't returned. Lavi was scared out of his mind and Kanda was doing all he could to comfort the clearly stressed Lavi. Allen's birth day was in two days, even though no one had seen him Komui made arrangements for the party to continue. They had been decorating for two days already and Komui decided to build a new robot that helped with the decorations but ended up exploding and setting all the streamers that were already up on fire. Sadly everyone had to pitch in and clean up just in case Allen did return before the party started.

Lavi had been pacing up and down the hall for hours. He racked his brain for any place that Allen could be. But the problem was that he was always paying too much attention to being in the now and didn't really care that much for other people's past. Now that his best friend was missing he wished he'd paid more attention.

"Usagi, making a dent in the floor is not going to help find the moyashi. He will some back when he is needed and until then you need to stop worrying so much." Kanda tried to soothe his distressed boyfriend but the comment only made him angry.

"What would you know about Kanda. You've apparently no need for friends so you stay distant from everyone…even me… and don't tell me not to worry for Allen it's been a week and the organization still hasn't sent out a search party to look for him. You think that since he's the destroyer of time he might be important to keep close." His voice fell flatter and flatter. He had no life left to yell at Kanda for being insensitive. He knew that the swordsman would be like this the day he fell for him.

"What do you mean that I keep distant from you. I've tell you everything Lavi! You're the first that I have ever felt so deeply for and your accusing me of being distant." Out of all the things he could have started an argument on.

"That's not what I'm say- never mind that's exactly what I'm saying. You may not distance yourself from me by telling me things I already know. You keep me at a distance when it comes to more personal things, like, let's see, your past. You've told me nothing of it. I mean it's not like I've asked but I didn't want to pry. But you're not exactly the type of person who just comes out and says, 'Hey there's a lotus in my bedroom because….' Or we never have sleep in your room. How come Kanda? Why do we always have to go into my room? The only time I've ever been in your room was when you forgot to bring mugen with you to the freaking cafeteria, seriously, you had to bring your sword with you? And hell–" he was cut off by a pair of lips that crashed down on his.

"You know you are the most adorable thing when you rant?" Kanda chuckled and Lavi blushed pink.

"That's so unfair." He whined, "You can't just cut me off when I'm about to get to the good part. Besides we will talk about this later, you are not getting out of this that easily." Lavi tried to put on a stern face but the blush was making it very unbelievable.

"Fine we'll talk about it later, but right now I need food and so do you." Kanda grabbed Lavi's hand and rushed him to the cafeteria.

OxOxOxOxOxO

While the two lovers were enjoying their meal Allen was out in the freezing cold rain. It pelted onto his skin, drenching him and making him shiver. He didn't notice too much, he was too busy lost in his own thought about how his life could have gotten so bad. The young teen stared at Mana's grave, the only place Lavi had not checked, with sadness in his eyes. He thought about Lavi and wondered why he was so in love with such an ignorant person. For being a bookman he should have vast knowledge of people's feelings and when people are dropping hints or not. But he guessed Lavi was just ignorant by nature.

Tears threatened to spill over his eyes. He knew that he would never be able to have Lavi as anything more than a friend and that wasn't okay with him. He had realized that a long time ago, but pushed it to the back of his mind hoping for more than he was going to get. He saw how Lavi treated Kanda and knew the boy was in love with him but ignored that too. Maybe he was the ignorant one, blatantly overlooked Lavi's infatuation and tried to pull the bookman towards himself, in a selfish ploy.

Now that he knelt at his father's grave with a knife in his hand, he thought over his miserable life. He realized that he should have died long ago at the hands of the Earl. He bent over and pressed the cool blade to one wrist slicing in deep enough to cut straight through the vein. Then put the blade in his other hand and did the same to his other wrist. The hot blood felt welcome on his freezing skin, dripping through his fingers and onto Mana's grave. _What a fitting end? _ He thought with malice, _ to die where I should have died all those years ago… _ his thoughts trailed off as he lost more blood. He fell sideways into the grass, cheek touching the rain drenched stems. _My only regret is that I didn't get to see…Lavi's smiling face one…last time…._ A tear ran down his cheek and for the first time in his life he regretted doing something, he realized a little too late.

Name: Allen Walker.

Known As: The Destroyer of Time.

Age: Seventeen.

Profession: Exorcist

Cause of Death: Suicide.

Reason For Death: A love that only one person, the most important person, knew about.

His Name: Lavi.


	10. The Finding, The Funeral

"I need to see Komui. We have an urgent message for your chief." A little man in a suit passed through the Order with Lenalee as his guide. She showed him into the cluttered office and there on the desk sleeping was Chief Komui. Lenalee rolled her eyes and said that he could just yell at her brother for falling asleep. Then she left leaving whatever matter the higher ups had to he brother.

The person cleared his throat loudly and Komui jolted awake. He blinked a few times then stood, immediately bowing then fixing his glasses and hat he greeted the man. He looked at the man closer and noticed the sad look on his face.

"Chief Komui, please sit. We have some information on the exorcist Allen Walker." Komui's eyes widened. They never had personal visits from the higher ups unless something had happened. He frowned and sat. This was going to be a long talk.

OxOxOxOxOxO

Mean while Lavi and Kanda were in the cafeteria for an early lunch. Lavi had been really hungry lately and he needed food before he was going to pass out. Kanda chuckled at the show Lavi made for him while they passed through the area. He had so much food in his arms that every time he turned or looked back to see if Kanda was following him he almost spilled it all.

They were about halfway through lunch when the intercom rang out. "There is a pressing matter. *sniffle* I need to see, Lenalee, Kanda, Lavi, Krory, and Miranda in my office." Kanda looked at Lavi and he nodded. They both got up and walked towards the chief's office.

When they arrived they saw the man had left. Everybody had gotten there besides Miranda, who was always slightly late. Lavi smiled at Lenalee and Krory then sat down in the chairs next them. Kanda followed in suit. Then Miranda came bursting in through the doors.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I can't believe I made you wait so long! I shouldn't be part of this fine organization. I don't deserve to be an innocence user. Especially if I'm late to every meeting that I'm called to." After the hectic time master was calmed down Komui cleared his throat.

"I know none of you probably know why you've been called here today. But something has happened to our Allen Walker. He was found dead yesterday at the gravesite of a man named Mana Walker." Lavi gasped, Miranda and Lenalee began to cry, and Krory just gaped. "His wrists were slit. He was not murdered, but committed suicide. His funeral will be held tomorrow-"

"But that's Allen's birthday!"Lavi exclaimed.

"That's precisely the reason we are having it tomorrow. To celebrate his life and then to mourn his passing. To show that we will miss him and that he was a dear friend to all of us. He died, for whatever reason, knowing that he was surrounded by people he loved." By then Komui even had some tears running down his cheeks. "That was all we needed to talk about, you are free to leave."

Everyone put on their brave faces and left without a tear in their eyes. Lenalee put up the happy façade of her usual self and Krory tried to be as normal as possible but ended up being clumsier than before. Miranda ran into someone and burst into tears. She screamed out and 'I'm sorry' then ran to her room. Lavi just wandered around the order with a dull lifeless look on his face. Kanda followed the boy afraid that something might happen if he didn't.

Hours of wandering around and Lavi ended up on the library. His favorite place in the world. Kanda noticed him look up for a second then move on to a couch in the lounge. He sat down and put his head in his hands. He looked so depressed.

"The last thing he said to me was that I was hurting him." Lavi whispered to no one really.

Kanda looked up, "What?" Why would Allen say that he was being hurt by Lavi?

"He said that he couldn't take it anymore. All his pretending and acting like everything was okay. He told me that I was hurting him for not noticing how much he actually cared for me. Then he said that seeing you with me constantly is what pained him the most. Then he ran off and that's the last thing he ever said to me." Kanda looked at Lavi in shock. The boy had had feelings for Lavi. He hadn't even noticed, but then came to the same realization as Lavi had. He was always kinder to the redhead and did more things for him than he did for anyone else in the Order.

Tears welled in Lavi's eyes, "I couldn't say anything that would bring him back. But what would I have to say to him. All I could have told him was that I only loved him as a friend." Lavi's hands clenched in his hair like he was trying to hold onto his sanity. "I couldn't do anything for the person that had been there the most for me in the past few years. His face, the look he had will always be burned into my mind. That angry, sad look that made me want to hug him. He looked into my eyes and they said more than any words ever would. The tear filled blue eyes and they said everything that he couldn't." Lavi just broken down. He started shaking with the sobs that came from his body. He hurt because of this. He blamed himself for the pain he made Allen go through. He blamed himself for the death of his best friend. If he had just known, if he had been there for Allen like he had been there for Lavi then none of this might of happened.

Lavi was pulled into Kanda's arms and he buried his face into Kanda's chest. The embrace was comforting but his body was still wracked with sobs. All he could was that he had done this to his best friend. He will never be able to tell Allen that he did care about him. He would never be able to see his smiling face again.

Lenalee, Miranda and Krory stood at the entrance of the library wondering if they should go in. The long haired girl was the first to decide. She walked in sitting on the other side of Lavi and put comforting hand on his back. The other followed her example and Krory sat on a chair next to them and Miranda grabbed on and brought it towards the couch. There they sat. There they cried. There, they were here for each other.

OxOxOxOxOxO

The next day was the funeral. Lavi got out of his bed and tried to act like this didn't bother him as much as it did. He was a more than broken right now. His friend was dead and he blamed himself for everything Allen had to go through. He was his first true best friend. He never hid anything from him. Kanda noticed the lag in anything Lavi did before the funeral. He was in pain and the swordsman could deal with that for a while.

They both walked slowly through the halls. Lavi clung to Kanda's arm as though if he let go he would fall. And the redhead probably would. He didn't want to see the lifeless body of his friend be lying there in front of him. He didn't want to go but his feet kept carrying him towards the great hall in the middle of the Order.

The hall was almost full by the time they got there. Each of them were given a small white lilies and they took their seats near the front. Komui got up on the podium and looked out into the crowd. Almost everyone had come. Even some of the people who had hardly known the boy. He was saddened by seeing all the people who lost a great friend in Allen.

"We have all gathered here today to mourn the life and passing of a great friend. He saved us time and time again, not asking for a thanks or even a reward. As is the job of an exorcist. He threw himself into danger to help those who needed it. His friends were so very faithful. My little sister, Lenalee, was constantly talking about how brave and thoughtful Allen was. How he always went out of his way to save anyone and everyone who needed his help. And without fail he would. Whether or not the mission was to get the innocence away from the Akumas he would first get everyone away from the danger and destroy them. He was a true hero of the people, we all loved him dearly, and he will be missed terribly." Komui's speech ended and he nodded to Lenalee, who was sitting in the first row. She got up and made her speech about Allen. Then did the same for Miranda. Miranda did so for Krory and Krory for Kanda.

Lavi did not think that Kanda would make a speech for Allen. "Allen was a wonderful person," Kanda started in his baritone voice. "He lived as though he wouldn't live another day, every day. This, for the most part, was a huge possibility. Now I'm not going to say that we were on the best speaking terms but we helped each other out every chance we got. We weren't friends but we weren't enemies and that seemed okay with the both of us. It's going to be tough not seeing him around. Not having our usual fights. It will be the hardest for those who took the time to actually know Allen. He listened intently when you told him anything. He probably even knew _my_ likes and dislikes. I may not have been the best at listening to him but that's may be how it goes. The one person who was probably the best of us, the one who would give everything to keep the ones he loved safe, is now gone. We will miss you moyashi, so very, very much." Kanda walked down from the podium, his shoulders were slightly slumped and he looked less proud than he was usually. He nodded at Lavi and the boy stood slowly. Walking towards the podium to give a speech on his friend.

"There really is no way to describe Allen. For the most part, he is kind, generous and would give his life for anyone, friend or foe. But he was so much more than that. He was my friend. My first real best friend. The one who listened to all my thoughts and regrets. The one who made me think of things in a different way, not so black and white. He taught me that it was okay to cry for the things we've lost and for those who have died." Lavi began to cry himself, he gave a sad smile. "That's probably why I'm crying right now." He wiped the tears away but they kept falling. "He was there for me during a stage of my life that I had never experienced. He gave me everything I needed and he is irreplaceable. I still regret the day he ran off and I didn't keep chasing him. I still see that pained face he had before he ran off into the distance. My life will never be the same without him." He covered his face in sorrow as a few sobs wracked his body. He calmed down and wiped away the tears. Kanda was about to get up and stand by him as support but Lavi shook his head; he needed to this on his own. The disgruntled swordsman sat back in his chair.

"Even though he taught me that it was okay to be sad when someone died you were also supposed to find a way to be happy after their gone. I think he believed there was God or something that would take him to a place of paradise, which gives me comfort that he is happy right now. He was my friend, my comforter, and my own personal savior. It will be hard to go on without him, I miss him, forever." Lavi was trembling by the time he had gotten back to his seat and Kanda put an arm around him.

They began to place the lilies on a table, with the boy's picture on it, next to Allen's open casket. It went in the same order as before. Each said their own little piece to Allen and placed a lily on the table. Lavi walked up to Allen and more tears filled his eyes. That face, the face he remembered with that big grin on it, was now motionless and pale. They fell off his cheeks and onto the young ones. He reached down and wiped them off gently, "I will miss you, Allen. I'm so sorry I did this to you." He walked away, back to his room. Kanda followed, as always.

Lavi got into his room and threw a chair at the wall watching it splinter. He fell to his knees he was so angry and sad at the same time. The tears fell when he didn't want them to. He felt like it was all his fault over and over he blamed himself. He was sobbing again. _It's all my fault. Why did I let this happen to him? Isn't there something I could have done for him? He's my best friend I never wanted to lose him. Not like this. Not ever. How could this have happened? I should have done something, said something to actually make him stay. _Kanda interrupted his thoughts by wrapping an arm around him and just letting him cry.

"Sshh love, it's all right. Everything will be okay, I know it. I understand that he was your best friend and that you will miss him. That's what happens when you lose someone you love. I will be here for you every time you feel sad or any time you feel as though your world is falling apart because he's not here. I will be your shoulder to cry on from now on. I will be here when you break down. I will do this because of my love for you. Lavi, I will love you forever and always." Lavi looked at Kanda in wonder. He could always say the best things at the right time.

"And I will do my best to love you without regret. I will do my best not to blame myself so much for his death. I will come to you when I need help the most. Because I love you and will always need that shoulder to cry on?"

And that was it. They were vowing to each other that they will never leave the other. That there love made them strong. They would always remember Allen as their closest friend. He would be cried for many times over the years by Lavi. Lavi would try to not blame himself and regret so much, even though it was hard. Kanda kept him strong through many of those times in his life that his world did fall apart

All these times made them stronger. They depended on each other like they were the air they breathed. No one would be able to break through the bond they created, and that's how it was for the rest of their days.

**A/N: how do you like the ending to the story? please review and tell me! i also wanted to thank all reviews i got previously. you guys are inspiring :) thank you so much for reading!**


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